I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
well you can't waste a boner
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
