my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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