I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
