I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
