3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
