My brain says no but my pants say off.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
