i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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