Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
