I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
