Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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