Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We need to get me chipped asap
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
