You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
