I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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