I wanna bring you to show and tell
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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