I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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