Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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