It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize