Barsexuality is the new black.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
