Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize