if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
last night I used snow as a chaser
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
