I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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