Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
