he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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