I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
