Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
