If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
