Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
