Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
