haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
