True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize