I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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