fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
