I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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