He asked to "fluff my boner.."
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
