I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
