There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
