my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
