I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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