What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
