I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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