im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
