He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
