I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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