I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
