More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
