Someone shit on the floor
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
