he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
