She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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