Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
