Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
