you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
