Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
