I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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