I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
