i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
a search helicopter?!
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
