Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize