I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just pee around me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
