I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Maybe he injected his testicle?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
