It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
