1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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