I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
