I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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