Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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