Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
