cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
