you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
