smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
